


Deadweight

by orphan_account



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It'd been a year since the push to the conduit in London, and everyone's lives had moved on except for Kaidan's.  Despite the promotions and potentials, Kaidan has spent the past year just watching Shepard, looking after the commander as he heals from his injuries.  It's been tough, confusing and frustrating, and some people would call it a waste of Kaidan's skill, but there was no where else Kaidan would rather be.  Written for masskink.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deadweight

**Author's Note:**

> Note;  
> Shepard and Kaidan did not romance in me3.  
> Admiral Anderson did not die at the end of me3.  
> Assume the perfect headcanon ending; that the reapers are dead, everyone is alive.  
> Written for KM
> 
> edit; minor grammar fixes

The wheelchair was empty again when Kaidan walked into the modest apartment, bags of groceries in hand. The major sighed, dropping the bags and his keys onto a nearby table loudly, purposefully, though Shepard probably already knew he was there. Wherever Shepard was (hopefully, he was in the apartment this time).  
  
At this point, Kaidan couldn't even bring himself to become exasperated anymore. He'd figured out about two months ago that ‘exasperated and protective’ wasn't the way to do it. A change of tactics to ‘aloof and present’ had awarded him with much better results. It should have been a no-brainer, Shepard had always been stubborn.  
  
There was something endearing, though, the way Shepard kept trying to get back out there. Frustrating, but sort of cute, too. It had been months in hospital before Shepard had finally been released. The hospital staff had been relieved when Shepard began to walk again. Before they were quickly driven insane by the number of times Shepard would just disappear from his room. Kaidan had freaked out, too, the first time. And the second time.   
  
And, God, when Shepard found out that he was being tied to the confines of the hospital by political red tape-- that had been, that had been a complete mess. Shepard had almost burst a vessel, literally. They had to strap him down and page Admiral Anderson for an explanation ASAP to calm Shepard down. Of course, that'd only made him angrier.  
  
And that wasn't even as bad as when he found out his knee wouldn't be the same ever again, and the idiot of a doctor had told Shepard that now would be a good time to retire.  Dear god... Anyway.  
  
The Alliance had wanted to keep Shepard with them, the same as before; a guard standing outside the door, a bed and a window. Shepard hadn't been able to find a polite way to say "fuck off", so he'd just said it. Closely followed by that lopsided grin, the one that sanded down the sharp edge in his tone, but didn't leave it blunt.  
  
Shepard was on the balcony when Kaidan found him, leaning heavily on the railing, but casually, as if it didn't hurt. His arm was still in the sling, his other wrist in a brace, his face still yellow from bruising, and pink around a red line of stitches across his forehead, and his leg was in plaster. Why the hell wasn't he using the crutches or the walking stick at least? Because he's Shepard.  
  
"Kaidan." the commander sensed his presence but didn't turn. His shoulders were tense, but then again, they always were. Even in his downtime, he was always ready and alert. For action. For life-saving. Something about that was sad. Kaidan snorted, walking up to the commander, and leaning on the railing beside him. There was nothing for a while, just cars zooming past. Distant construction work sounds. Chatter on the street below. Kaidan looked down at what Shepard was staring at. Watching.  
  
Plain clothed Alliance soldiers patrolling the apartment complex. Like wardens. Kaidan had noticed them, too. Anyone would've, but it was nice to have someone keep the media away every now and then. If only Shepard didn't know that they were also there to keep him in.  
  
Finally, Shepard spoke.  
  
"So how was it?"  
  
"Not bad," Kaidan turned to look at Shepard, "we went out for lunch, then I drove her to the place where the old house used to be in Vancouver, and she... She started crying. But my mum's always been strong. Hell, she's already hired the contractors to rebuild the house. There’re still some more things that need finalizing though."  
  
"Then why didn't you stay and help her? You've been out for barely four hours." there was a look in Shepard's face where the real question lay. _Why are you doing this?_ It made him put his guard up. At this point, it was automatic. Questions like this, Kaidan was used to diverting. That didn't mean he was good at it.  
  
"Well, I thought I'd grab some food for you and, you know, check on you."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"I know." except that you're not really and I still need to be here, for you. And for me.  
  
"... Thanks. The food I mean."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"You don't have to do this all the time."  
  
Kaidan decided he wouldn't mention that Admiral Anderson had basically ordered him to watch Shepard. He'd ordered Liara and Garrus to, as well. But Liara was still the Shadow Broker, and Garrus was on Palaven this week. Besides,  
  
"I want to." Shepard grunted at that.  
  
They fell into a silence again. There was something lurking beneath the surface of that conversation. It was stressing Kaidan out. It was like he knew. He must know; he's Commander fucking Shepard. Besides, it was so obvious. Sure, they were best friends, brothers in arms, but the level of care Kaidan was giving him had to be suspicious.  
  
"Enough fresh air?" Kaidan turned back to the apartment, wanting to take Shepard's arm but it wouldn't help. Shepard sighed, resigned.  
  
"You're a good man, Kaidan."  
  
They hobbled back into the building together, Kaidan with a hand on the small of Shepard's back as he leaned quite heavily onto the major. God, it must have taken Shepard ages to walk out to the balcony.  
  
"I'll make you something to eat. Get you a beer." Kaidan said as he helped Shepard back into his wheelchair.  
  
"You're a damn good man." Shepard repeated, this time with a grin.   
  
Kaidan smiled.  
  
\---  
  
Shepard was sitting in his damned wheelchair at the window, cleaning his Mattock for the billionth time when the knock at the door came. Not the front door. His room door. Hopefully that meant it was someone he knew, and not another damn reporter. It creaked open.  
  
"Shepard."  
  
"Liara." he greeted with a grimace. She looked tired, stressed, practically dead on her feet. Everyone around him did these days, and damn if that didn't make him feel like an even greater burden, and Kaidan...  
  
Anyway, it was good to see Liara's face again.  
  
Liara was eying him in Shepard's bed, out cold. Hopefully for at least a few hours, he needed it. It'd taken a while to convince Kaidan to sleep, he was always stubborn, but the compromise had been that Shepard wouldn't get up from his chair 'til he woke up. Which wasn't too bad, his legs weren't very good today, not that he'd ever admit that to anyone.  
  
"Is he...?"  
  
"He's alright. Just tired. The Citadel could get attacked again and he'd probably sleep through the whole thing." Shepard looked down at Kaidan again with something close to affection.  
  
"How have you been?" Liara sat down carefully on the edge of the bed, facing Shepard, "I brought you some intel." She pulled a data pad out and handed it to him.  
  
"Thank god for that, I'm dying of boredom."  
  
"I'm sorry I haven't been around much. There's no excuse, but I've been trying to maintain my contacts as Shadow Broker, and the Asari ambassador--"  
  
"No, it's fine." Shepard waved it off, not even really listening as he greedily scrolled through dossiers, progress reports, mission debriefings...   
  
"No, it's not okay, I haven't- I mean.. We need to talk." Liara fidgeted and suddenly Shepard had a bad feeling about this. He placed the data pad down on his lap.  
  
"What's on your mind?"  
  
"It's just that I've been thinking a lot about when we said goodbye, before the push to the conduit in London. When I showed you that memory, I thought that maybe you'd realised that I..." Liara hesitated slightly, "I love you."  
  
... Well, shit.  
  
"Ever since we met, through all that we've been through, I've held you very closely to my heart and I just... I needed to make sure that you knew." Liara's hands twisted together on her lap nervously, and Shepard decided to shut his mouth and stop gaping like a bloody Cannibal. But he didn't know what to say, how to word this shock. All he could think about was--  
  
Oh crap.  
  
"A-anyway, just think about it, please." Liara had definitely taken Shepard's goldfish gaping silence as rejection. She stood and left in a single, quick movement, closing the room door quietly, but not treating the apartment front door with as much care. Yeah, that was a door slam, accidental or not.  
  
Shepard felt like a dick. A giant bag of dicks. And not just because he'd just broken one of his closest friends' heart without even meaning to, not so harshly anyway, but because... There had been only one thing that had been screaming in his mind in that awful silence, louder than any polite reply to Liara's confession.  
  
 _Oh my god, please, Kaidan, do NOT wake up._  
  
And now all he could think about was why he'd thought that. It would have been awkward, but why had he...   
  
\---  
  
The problem with every time Shepard went to the hospital to get some kind of checkup, and it went well, was that he'd always come back ten times more stubborn.   
  
This time especially because Kaidan had just brought him back from getting his wrist checked and the okay to take the brace off, and oh, wonderful, that must mean he was absolutely, 100% fine again, despite two other limbs still being wrapped in _plaster_. It was making the ‘aloof and present’ tactic impossible. Winning one battle was not the equivalent of winning an entire war, and one would think that of all the people in the galaxy, Commander Shepard would know this best.  
  
"I'm telling you I can do it!" he snapped again, waving his newly healed wrist at Kaidan as if he had somehow missed the memo when they were at Huerta. Kaidan just winced, grabbing Shepard's left arm, mindfully and at the elbow, to stop him from shaking it.  
  
"Christ, you're making me think you're gonna fracture it again!" Kaidan sighed.  
  
"Look, I'm not gonna be some kinda deadweight that just-"  
  
"Shepard, they're just dishes!"  
  
"Exactly! So I'll do them!" Shepard glared.  
  
"Can you please just stop, okay? You need to stop pushing yourself and walking onto balconies and- and 'just popping down to get the mail', and doing the dishes and other menial things because you need to rest your body! I know your pride can't fucking take it, but you've gotta prioritize your health over your pride, damn it!" Kaidan felts as though a valve had just released in his brain, but all relief was negated by the expression on Shepard's face.  
  
"It's not pride." he hissed, knuckles turning white as they gripped the wheels of his chair.  
  
"Says your pride." Kaidan snapped back without even thinking. He regretted it instantly because he could tell how much it'd hurt Shepard. Hell, he'd physically flinched.  
  
Shepard sneered, turning himself expertly in the wheelchair, and left, slamming his room door with great finality and immaturity.  
  
Fuck. FUCK. Damn his stupid blabbermouth! How could he just let all that shit spill out and hurt Shepard's feelings like that?! His mother had always said he had a problem with thinking before speaking, and spewing whatever came to his mind to anyone who'll listen, but it was only now that he truly understood why she said that.   
  
Kaidan leaned back onto the kitchen counter, dropping his face into a hand. How the hell was he going to look after Shepard now? Everything was ruined now. He had to go say sorry, had to.. What if they weren't even friends anymore? What if he'd lost that one thing he'd had to force himself to hold onto ever since he'd stood by Shepard's side on the SR1? Without this one stupid friendship between Shepard, he had nothing. He should have thrown all these stupid, stupid, unrequited--  
  
"Kaidan?" a knock came from the door.  
  
"What?" Liara jumped at Kaidan's harsh tone, "No, shit, sorry, sorry. This is a bad time right now. Stress. Anyway. What's up?" he tried a smile, but it'd probably looked like a krogan had just head butted him. A strange look of comprehension fell over Liara's face.  
  
"Oh, did he, ah, did he tell you about the.. 'Thing'?" she said vaguely as her eyes shifted. Kaidan narrowed his eyes, in confusion and suspicion.  
  
"What 'Thing'?" a different look of comprehension appeared on Liara's face, and Kaidan's confusion turned into outright suspicion.  
  
"I-I thought he would have told you since you two are..." Liara paled even more as another revelation hit her, "... Such close... Friends."  
  
Kaidan laughed.   
  
"Yeah. Well, he didn't tell me. What is it?"  
  
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it, Kaidan. Is Shepard here?"  
  
"Yeah, in his room but I wouldn't..."  
  
"It'll just be a second." Liara rushed off to Shepard's room, and Kaidan had a feeling that she'd rushed to get out of the horribly awkward situation she'd dug herself into. He really shouldn't let her go traipsing into Shepard's room, but something dark inside him took sadistic pleasure in other people's misfortunes...  
  
 _No, god, that was fucked up, gotta save Liara.  
_  
Kaidan uncrossed his arms and walked quickly to Shepard's room. The door was still open, and Kaidan accidentally caught the end of their conversation as he walked up the corridor to the room.  
  
"... C-coffee sometime in the Presidium when you're feeling better?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'll email you when I can leave this shithole." Shepard grinned at the prospect. Well, that was a punch to the gut. Wait, is this... Were they planning a date?!  
  
"I look forward to it, Shepard." Liara smiled and turned to leave, almost slamming straight into Kaidan.  There was something… strangely blank about her face despite the smile, but…  
  
"Uh-- sorry." Kaidan stepped to the right and Liara rushed away. God, she was a real whirlwind today.  
  
 _... Why am I in here, with Shepard, who I just fought with...? Oh yeah, to save Liara._  
  
 _Fuck._  
  
Was that a date, anyway? A coffee date? Was something happening between them? Was it okay to ask?  
  
"... What was that with Liara?" Kaidan cursed in his head, realizing that it probably wasn't okay to ask. Now he looked nosey and overprotective..  
  
"It... wasn't anything." he replied, shifting in his wheelchair uncomfortably. Kaidan nodded, a date, then. A date. That was fine, Liara was a wonderful person. She'd been with Shepard for almost as long as Kaidan had. Almost. But Kaidan was the one who had truly supported Shepard from the _very_ beginning, had understood him like no one else, had... But whatever, it was fine.  
  
Shepard sighed.  
  
"I don’t know if I can take much more of this." he said ambiguously with a groan, staring down at his lap with a strange smile pushing the corners of his lips up slightly. Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say, didn’t even know what Shepard was talking about, so he said,  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
"I know." Shepard sighed again.  
  
"I-I didn't mean it. It’s just the heat of the moment and the stress. I wish I could just take it back because you're not prideful, you're Commander Shepard and if anything, you have a right to have pride in what you've done."  
  
"No, you were right. It is a little because of my pride. I mean, it took me ages to just get used to always sitting, having people look down on me.. But it's really because I..." he paused, and seemed to change him mind here, "... I'm really stubborn." Shepard snorted to himself and Kaidan chuckled slightly, if only reflexively, out of politeness. It wasn't funny, though. He knew he'd just been lied to. But he couldn't afford to push it. Not today. This was far enough.  Afterall, Shepard didn’t know if he could take much more of this.  Whatever ‘this’ was.  
  
"Yeah, well, we can agree to that." there was another bout of chuckles, before Shepard sighed again and looked out his window.  
  
"I can't wait to get out of here." Shepard said, with no hatred this time, a simple statement. But it still hurt. Kaidan felt a pang in his heart. It didn't really make sense, but... Every time Shepard said something to that effect, a deep, selfish part of him wanted to keep Shepard with him like this. Day in, day out. Outside of the fights, they lived well together, there was an understanding when Shepard wasn't being as stubborn as a mule. And Kaidan didn't know what he was going to do when Shepard didn't need him anymore... He didn't want Shepard to not need him anymore. He'd never felt so selfish in his life. And there was no way he could just say all of this to him now, straight after Shepard had said that, he'd sound clingy, obsessive. It _was_ obsessive. Better Shepard did leave him before Kaidan... Before he...  
  
"Yeah." Was all he said as he stared out the window over Shepard's shoulder, then left to do the dishes.  
  
\---

 

The first time Kaidan had tried to replace Shepard’s bandages, he had been all thumbs and no fingers.  And the more he had tried, the worse it had become, until Shepard decided to help.  It was only through their joint effort that the bandages were even tight.  Kaidan had fumbled nearly every time his fingertips had brushed against Shepard’s skin as he tried to wind the bandage securely around his commander’s waist.  He couldn’t help it! He’d been kneeling between Shepard’s legs.  Between them!  And Shepard was shirtless!  There had to be an easier way.  He’d tried to bandage the slowly healing cut from behind, but the angle wasn’t quite right, with Shepard seated on the bed, and Kaidan kneeling behind him, and Kaidan just didn’t have the skill.  Honestly, Kaidan wasn’t very good at first aid anyway, even when it wasn’t shirtless Shepard.  He could apply medi-gel on the battlefield fine, it was just the cleaning, disinfecting, dressing, taping, wrapping…

 

“It doesn’t hurt, Kaidan.” Shepard had insisted, with a tight sigh that tried not to move his diaphragm too much.  Kaidan had almost blurted out that that hadn’t been the problem.  Instead he’d stoically steeled himself and tried again, channelling the tutorial that Dr Chakwas had shown him a couple days before.

 

Jesus, it had been so awkward, Shepard had had to hold down the end while Kaidan wound the bandage around as tightly and carefully as possible.  He didn’t really understand why Shepard had been so accommodating about it, if Kaidan had been in his place at some kind of shocking, unprofessional med clinic, he’d have asked to see a real doctor or something.

 

That first time had been the first of many, though, and over time, Kaidan had gotten much, much better, to the relief of both of them.  Shepard said as much as Kaidan wrapped his wound carefully, but much more surely.  It was almost getting to the point where it wouldn’t need bandaging anymore, maybe just a dressing on top.

 

“Just be glad we have medi-gel now.  A hundred years ago, they used to put iodine on their wounds to kill the bacteria and apparently it stung like a bitch.”

 

“How d’you know that?” Shepard asked curiously. Kaidan averted his eyes.

 

“Back when I sucked at first aid, I ah, researched how to do it.  Like tips and tricks and stuff.  No big deal, it was just a fact I came across.  Sounded painful.” Kaidan explained quickly, eager to just let the subject drop.  Shepard smirked, as if holding back a laugh, and Kaidan just sighed as he tied off the end of the bandage and tucked the loose ends in.

 

“That’s actually really sweet, Kaidan.”  Shepard said in a serious tone, though his face was twisting as it tried to hold down outright laughing.

 

“Oh shut up.” Kaidan handed Shepard’s shirt back to him, and the other man slipped it back on.  The major fought back the urge to sigh with relief as he sat back on his haunches then stood, stretching his legs a little.  It had gotten easier to dress wounds, sure, but it never got easier being so close to the other man.  Shepard rubbed his stomach idly through the shirt and bandage as he stared out his bedroom window.

 

“What’s on your mind?”

 

“I just… can’t wait to get back out there.  Even just going to the Presidium or something.  I suppose I could in the chair, if it weren’t for those damn Alliance soldiers in the lobby.  As it stands, this feels exactly like being in a hospital room.  Or being with Alliance.” Shepard sighed.  Kaidan nodded.

 

“Well, when you get your leg cast off, you can probably go down with a walking stick,” Kaidan paused, “Maybe meet up with Liara for that coffee at Apollo’s or something.”  Shepard furrowed his brow at that, almost confused, before relaxing again.

 

“… Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” Shepard said, as though Kaidan had been the one who suggested that he go on a date with Liara, and it wasn’t something that the other two had planned a few days before, “yeah.  It’s a right mess with her.”  Shepard closed his eyelids briefly, and his eyes quivered beneath them.

 

“It’ll be fine.” Kaidan didn’t even really know what the ‘right mess’ was, but he had a feeling it was none of his business anyway.  But damn if he didn’t feel like a third wheel.

 

“Yeah,” Shepard smiled, “We’ll talk it out.  It’ll be okay.” He seemed to be reassuring himself now, and it made his smile truer. 

 

Kaidan smiled back weakly, packing the first aid kit away again.

 

\---

  
Shepard's recovery was moving faster than the doctors had anticipated, despite the constant agitation Shepard caused to his wounds. And Kaidan could tell that Shepard knew it too. His leg would be fine again in a couple weeks, and soon, he would be free from this... This shithole, as he'd adequately put it last week.  
  
Kaidan realised, as he loaded the laundry into the drier, that the more time passed, the more selfish he seemed to be becoming. At this point, Kaidan had been looking after Shepard for a year now, from unconscious, so drug-sleepy in a dry, hard hospital bed, to now, slowly but surely recuperating, getting happier, excited to leave.  And somehow that just made Kaidan feel even more depressed.  And then guilty.  
  
Kaidan shut the clothes drier and pressed a couple buttons on the console and throwing the basket on top of the machine. He still remembered those first few months. Shepard had been on life support for half a year, and it wasn't even because he was injured seriously, well, he was, horribly, but it should have taken faster than it had.  
  
The doctors had opened Shepard for surgery, and realised that they didn't know what the hell was going on in his body. It was "a cybernetic labyrinth" inside of him, as doctor Chakwas had put, and no one really understood first of all, what the hell the cybernetics were, many seemed custom tailored or _invented_ for him, and second of all, what the hell the machine parts did and how they worked. The doctors had carefully stopped any haemorrhages, cleaned and stitched cuts and had set all the dislocated, fractured or broken bones, but it was the cybernetics that were controlling Shepard's actual organs, and even their experts didn't know how they were working,  they were all just lucky that some kind of failsafe in the cybernetics were working, but they didn’t know for how long.  
  
The only person who could really understand it all was Miranda, who despite the millions of urgent messages and calls everyone had sent, Kaidan most of all and he didn't even know the woman, had disappeared for a month. They'd brought in Jacob to have a look, but Jacob didn't know anything, he was just a soldier.  
  
When Miranda had finally walked into the room, Kaidan couldn't recognize her, he didn’t have a face to the name. He'd been sitting by Shepard's bed, elbows on knees and head hung, more than a five o'clock shadow on his face. He could only imagine what a mess he must have looked.  
  
"Who--"  
  
"Miranda. We need to take him to the surgery room, now." she said bluntly and rudely, as if Kaidan would somehow cause an altercation and stop the only woman who could from saving Shepard's life. Kaidan jumped up as doctors came rushing into the room to help push Shepard out.  
  
"Right," his voice cracked and grated on his throat like sandpaper, "right, yes, thank you so much, Miranda, thank you."  
  
She'd looked at Kaidan once, her cold Cerberus bitch exterior melting very slightly before she said quietly, as though she didn't want anyone to hear how nice she could be,  
  
"Don't worry, I've done this before with worse."  
  
That was around eleven months ago. He'd literally spent a whole year beside Shepard, taking care of him, without even spilling his unrequited love out once. Pretty impressive.  
  
Kaidan stretched his back and heard his spine recalibrate with a few loud cracks, as he walked back out of the laundry.  Later on, he’d have to make a run to the clinic to buy some more bandages, disinfectant and what not.  He ducked into Shepard's room, but he wasn't there, so he checked the bathroom, too, but he wasn't there either. Kaidan furrowed his brows in confusion before finally finding Shepard's wheelchair in the living area. Empty, of course.  
  
He was on the balcony again, not leaning as heavily as he had the last time he was there, shoulders still tense, and shaking slightly as though he were laughing to himself...  
  
"Hey there," Kaidan said as he approached, moving to stand beside Shepard again. A cold beer hung loosely from the commander's fingertips.  
  
"Hey yourself." he took a lazy swig from the bottle before passing it to Kaidan, who took a gulp of it down too. Shepard was watching the pedestrians on the road. The plain clothed Alliance soldiers mysteriously missing.  
  
"Where are...?" Shepard read his mind and pointed down onto the street, a hundred metres down the road in a small park. They seemed to be searching the perimeter, and calming civilians. That's when Kaidan noticed the sniper rifle resting against the glass barrier of the balcony, silencer missing, next to Shepard. The colour drained from Kaidan's face with dread.  
  
"I've been thinking of ways to mess with their heads, give them something to do besides watch an apartment building."   
  
"You've been watching them like a cat watching birds! Don't tell me you shot someone with a sniper rifle out of _boredom_?!"  
  
"No, no! God, no. Why the hell would I do that? I shot that tree there, next to the bench. That woman over there used to be sitting under that tree. I just needed the sound, a bullet hole in a tree and the impact to alert someone."  Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief.  He hadn't really expected Shepard to have hit a civilian, but...  
  
"They'll eventually figure out it was you."  
  
"They won't care, I saved the bloody galaxy." Shepard laughed, and Kaidan did too, for real this time. He supposed it was a harmless enough prank. They fell into an easy silence before Shepard spoke again.  
  
"Anderson's been talking promotions again," Shepard sighed, holding his hand out for a sip of the beer in Kaidan's hand.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Mhmm," Shepard said as he gulped down more beer, "Admiral for me, Captain for you." he said with a wry tone.  
  
"Huh," Kaidan looked down at the confused soldiers again, "Admiral Shepard."  
  
"Yes, Captain Alenko?"  
  
"... It doesn't really ring as well as Commander, does it?"  
  
"Exactly! That's what I said, too," of course that's what Shepard said to Admiral Anderson, God, if Anderson didn't like Shepard so much it'd have been subordinate, "besides, I don't want to turn into some political paper pusher. So I reject it again. Respectfully, of course."  
  
"Of course..." Kaidan echoed. It made sense.  
  
"I didn't reject yours though." Shepard added quickly. Kaidan hummed, he’d deal with it later. They fell into a silence again.  
  
Maybe that's what lay ahead of him once Shepard was well enough. Captain Alenko. It sounded stupid. He didn't even have his own ship. A captain without a ship. What a joke. No one would take him seriously. And he didn't want his own ship anyway, he just wanted... to be beside Shepard. On the Normandy. On the balcony. Wherever. He'd follow him anywhere. That was enough for Kaidan.  
  
"I..." Shepard snapped Kaidan's attention back to reality, but trailed off awkwardly. Kaidan waited patiently.  
  
"I've been thinking about something." Shepard finished.  
  
"Go on..?"  
  
"Now that all the reapers are gone, and there hasn't been much more to sulk about," oh, he actually recognized that he had been sulking for six months, "that there hasn't really been any time to find someone."  
  
"Who?" Shepard glanced at him with a look that made Kaidan feel as dense as a lemming. Oh. _Oh_.  
  
Oh no.  
  
"Is that so?" Kaidan cleared his throat slightly, oh god, did he want to talk about Liara or something? Kaidan didn't know if...  
  
"It is," Shepard was smirking bitterly, "but I'm not the same as I was before. This stupid knee, I can't be the same person I was before. I'm not going to retire," he said scathingly at the memory of that one doctor, "But I know that I can't... I can't be the hero anymore. I mean I know I am the hero but, I can't... I'm not the kind of guy who saves the galaxy once, then just stops because he thinks doing one good thing is a free pass to just give up. I wanna be out there again. Helping people. Up there," Shepard looked up at the sky longingly, "Helping colonies. Securing bases. I don't know. But I just... Can't."  
  
Kaidan understood. It wasn't as if his knee wasn't working, but he'd have to go through months of physio just to get it back in shape when the cast finally came off, and what with the tendons and ligaments in there being so tattered and damaged... It would probably be another year at least before Shepard could sprint under bullet fire again. And even then, it just wouldn't be the same. It wasn't fast enough for the commander. He was restless, suffocating under the pressure of continuing to be the hero in action.  
  
But Kaidan didn't understand how that related to finding someone. He eventually settled with,  
  
"... I'm sure Liara doesn't love you for your service to the galaxy. It's fine."  
  
"Liara..?"  
  
"Yeah. You could call her next week when your cast is off, and you can go grab that coffee, talk it over, or whatever." the aloof facade Kaidan had to keep up was grating on his very soul. Shepard stared at Kaidan incredulously before realizing something.  
  
"No, I'm not-- I don't like her like that, Kaidan."  
  
"... Don't you?!"  
  
"Oh my god, don't tell me you _were_ awake when she--"  
  
"What?" oh crap, Kaidan wanted to implode right now from embarrassment, the blush on his face alone could’ve be what was causing the dull headache forming at his temples, "I thought-- because you said this was a shithole, and the... smiling and you're so excited to leave— and the coffee—"  
  
 _"What?!"  
_  
"What?"  
  
They fell into a silence of complete and utter confusion.  
  
"Look. This isn't about Liara. That coffee thing was actually because I sort of… rejected her, officially this time, and she insisted to stay friends, and of course I agreed, but there's nothing between us. At all." Shepard explained as clearly as possible.  
  
"... Oh." Kaidan fought the urge to sigh with relief. Shepard shook his head.  
  
"No, I was— damnit," Shepard looked away, up at the sky again in frustration, "I was trying to.. to confess to you."  
  
What? What? _What?!_  
  
"I know I'm not the best person in the world. I'm stubborn as hell, and I'm prideful, and I'm broken all over the place, literally and emotionally, and I've been holding your life back for a whole fucking year now—"  
  
"Shep—"  
  
"— no, let me finish because I just need to get this all out. You could've, there's so much potential in you and I've put your life on hold for a whole year now. And we've fought and I've been rude and stupid and ignorant but I... I don't want you to think that I don't like you, or that I can't wait to leave you. But you've been here this whole time, not just after the conduit, but before all that too, and it just. It just makes a guy fucking feel something, okay?"  
  
Oh lord, Kaidan felt like he needed to sit down. And breathe. He hadn't even realised that he'd been holding his breath.  
  
"Fuck, why am I even talking about this." Shepard muttered to himself, and began to hobble slowly back into the apartment.  
  
"No, wait!" Kaidan grabbed Shepard by the arm to stop him, perhaps a little too hard, and the commander lost his balance and stumbled back into him and pushing them both back precariously onto the balcony railing, Kaidan stammered, "shit sorry, I... I..." _damn it, look me in the eyes, Shepard!  
_  
Kaidan did the first thing that came to his mind. He pressed his lips carefully to Shepard's with a palm on his five o’clock shadow, the other arm braced against the railing. God, it'd been a while since he kissed anyone, and he hoped he was doing it right, whatever right was. It took a couple frightening seconds before Shepard's brain kicked in, and then it became furious. Kaidan pushed himself up off the balcony and into Shepard, who spun him around and pushed him up the outer wall of the balcony.  
  
Shepard's one good arm came up to rest his hand on Kaidan's hip to draw him closer, and Kaidan gasped and lifted his other hand to Shepard's neck, then running it down along his clavicle.  
  
"Shepard," Kaidan gasped when the other man moved from his lips to down his jaw and to his neck, "Shepard, wait."  
  
"Can't." Shepard muffled into Kaidan's neck, and then licked a stripe where his jaw and his neck met.  
  
"But we— nagh!" Kaidan almost squeaked when Shepard's hand ran down from his hip to grope his ass in his jeans, god, he didn't expect that to feel so good, and now his palm was kneading, massaging, "ahh, wait, wh-ait, _wait_ , Shepard!" Kaidan literally took both hands to either sides of Shepard's head, and pulled it up to look him directly in the eye, noses just barely touching. Shepard's lips pursed together and his eyes crinkled in the cheekiest fucking grin Kaidan had ever seen on his face in his life. They both started laughing.  
  
"Y-you do realise," Kaidan was still chuckling, "That we are on a balcony."  
  
"Yes. The view is spectacular." Shepard grinned as he looked down at Kaidan, and god, if Kaidan's heart fluttered any harder, he'd go into cardiac arrest.  
  
"You cheesy fuck," Kaidan grinned as well, "but I think you've forgotten that you're sort of injured. Everywhere." a cold hand snaked up Kaidan's shirt and made him jump, though warmed quickly against his skin.  
  
"And...?"  
  
"Do you want to screw up your knee even more?"  
  
"Who said anything about _me_ getting on my _knees_? Besides, if it's still in the cast, it's fine."  
  
" _It's still in the cast!"_ Kaidan echoed desperately, "that's the operative- the operative..." ah crap, Kaidan's mind went completely blank, and Shepard was slowly sucking the mother of all hickeys onto his neck and fuck it felt good.  
  
"The operative...?"  
  
"The operative thing!" Kaidan pulled Shepard's hand insistently out of his shirt which made Shepard raise his head in protest, "I'm dead serious, Shepard. This is not happening. Not now. And if you keep doing this, it will be sexual assault." Kaidan looked Shepard dead in the eyes with the most serious face he could muster. But all it did was make Shepard laugh.  
  
"Why are you so cute?" he sighed, rolling of Kaidan's body and leaning quite heavily onto the wall next to him, "Fine, fine." Shepard turned and grinned at Kaidan, who was flushed, and possibly on the edge of hyperventilation. What the hell was happening?!  Shepard sighed and slid carefully down the wall to sit, and Kaidan joined him on the floor, still breathing heavily.  
  
"Did you really mean all that stuff you said?" Kaidan turned to look at the other man.  
  
"Are you retarded or something?" Shepard raised a brow, "If you don't get it already after all that—"  
  
"No, I mean, the things you said about yourself." Kaidan clarified.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah," Shepard sighed, "yeah I guess I did. God, you're a giant killjoy." Kaidan snorted.  
  
"Well, you shouldn't... You shouldn't think that. Because we have time, and no one's pushing you to go back into service."  
  
"But are people pushing you?" Kaidan sighed. There had been a few questions, no orders yet.  
  
"Honestly, Alliance is still gonna be a mess in ten years’ time, it's easy to slip through the cracks, and it's gonna be a while 'til life picks up again."  
  
"So it's fine?"  
  
"Of course. I've been here for a whole year now," Kaidan smirked, "it'll take more than that to get rid of me."  
  
Shepard smiled. And Kaidan took a deep breath, it felt like the first one he’d taken in the last fifteen minutes.  He couldn’t get the stupid grin off his face, a weight filled with confusion and frustration had been completely lifted from his shoulders.  He couldn’t even feel his headache anymore.  
  


There was a banging on the front door. A stranger's voice.  
  
"COMMANDER SHEPARD! We need to have a word with you! Now!"  
  
The two of them turned their heads to the apartment, both with furrowed brows of confusion.  
  
"Who is it?" Shepard called from through the open balcony door. The front door opened, and Kaidan jumped up from his seated position to defend them. Just as he turned to go into the apartment, Anderson appeared standing in the balcony doorway.  
  
"Admiral Anderson. Uh.." Kaidan dropped his guard and scratched his neck. The admiral wasn't looking at Kaidan. He looked at the sniper rifle, lying next to a forgotten bottle of beer, then down to the ground on his right, to Shepard, who had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.  
  
"... Shepard."  
  
"Admiral." Shepard saluted. The corner of Anderson's mouth twitched slightly and he snorted, shaking his head.  
  
"... You have a lot of angry Alliance marines to answer to."

 


End file.
